Honest Quotes From Game Developers

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In an interview with Siliconera, Masaaki Hoshino, producer on the recently released Soulcalibur: Lost Swords, stated that the game has no multiplayer because of the impact that the ‘pay-to-win’ model would have on new players.

I’m hoping this is a mistranslation (I’ve contacted Siliconera directly to find out), but if it isn’t, that’d be the single most honest admission of “here’s a shitty thing we’re doing” that I think I’ve ever seen from a developer. So, inspired by that, here’s a list of entirely fictional quotes by other developers that I thought would be equally honest.

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Review – Kero Blaster (PC)

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A lot of people will say that it’s unfair to compare Pixel’s latest game to his most famous, Cave Story. Those people are talking optimistically from their rear orifice. The truth is that it’s unfair to expect someone who’s played Cave Story to NOT constantly be drawing comparisons, because the game seems designed to invite them. This, unsurprisingly, is bad news for Kero Blaster.

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E3 2014: The Official SkipCutscene Predictions

E3ArticleLogoE3 is just a few weeks away and obviously, we wouldn’t be a serious internet publication if we didn’t put out a self-indulgent, oh-so-knowing list of predictions that veer wildly between the realms of “no shit, Sherlock” and “how many drinks did you say you’d had again?”

So here that is, to pad out the pages of the site like the water content in a cheap burger.

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An Open Letter: ‘Monstrum’ Alpha

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This is the alternative format of traditional previews on Skip Cutscene. Given that games up for preview are almost definitely still in development, we frame our coverage as an ‘open letter’ to the developer, commenting on the state of the game as-is and what can be improved before the final build. In our estimation, it’s better than just saying “looks promising” and clicking ‘post’, which we still might do one day if we’re feeling lazy.

Dear Team Junkfish,

I’m writing to you today to let you know that I am thoroughly impressed by what I’ve seen of your upcoming procedurally generated first-person survival horror game, ‘Monstrum’, which I’m told is set for release on Steam in October of this year, following successful passage through the Greenlight system.

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Public Service Announcement: ‘The Proof Box’, My Gift To Games Journalism

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This Is ‘Public Service Announcement’, the heavily opinionated editorial section in which I spew forth from my ranting, rambling face-hole. Expect views, bias and slanted opinions of a personal, individual nature and not an attempt to put forth objective fact.  

Yesterday, Skip Cutscene got its first actual ‘we’re a proper website now’ review of Mario Golf: World Tour. I’m not going to fry my own sausage about whether it was a good review or not (although the ‘Waluigi writing Dick Dastardly/Snidely Whiplash fanfiction’ line was comedy gold), I’d just like to explain the bit at the end, just under the ‘Bottom Line’ verdict (making the ‘bottom line’ not actually the bottom line).

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Review – Mario Golf: World Tour (3DS)

MGWT01I think we can all agree that golf is in at least the top three most boring pastimes ever invented, somewhere between cricket and that one winter Olympic sport with the brooms. Even its most famous player, Tiger Woods, had to embroil himself in a big media controversy just to stave off the mind-numbing tedium of his day job.  So why have Nintendo got me playing a golf game for upwards of TWENTY SEVEN HOURS?

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Ludum Dare 29: Five Random Picks

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With a theme like ‘Beneath The Surface’, you’d expect the recent Ludum Dare 29 to be filled with underwater platformers,  underground… platformers, tentacles, and another tenuous reason to make a platformer. Thankfully, unlike this creatively bankrupt pillock, SOME people actually put some effort in.

These are not the five ‘best’ games of Ludum Dare 29. To do that, I’d need to have played at LEAST all 1,493 competition entries which, assuming a minimum play time of five minutes each, would take about 124 hours. Instead, these are five games that have stuck in my head like not entirely unpleasant lice.

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